are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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