fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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