the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
