I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
