I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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