I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
