I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
