I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
