i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
