she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
