I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
