ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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