Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
