Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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