if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
operation harelip BJ is a go
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
