Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
