Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
