yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
