oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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