the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize