For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
