i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
