john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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