I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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