I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I supernannyed him into submission
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
