You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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