I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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