i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i will never coherently bang her
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
