so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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