You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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