He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
