I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
