My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
