Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
