People in love make me want to vomit
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
