tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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