All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
