you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
