Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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