So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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