I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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