Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
