just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
