If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
