Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
