If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
