Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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