so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
