ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
