I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
